♥i remember you♥

The hardest thing for me was saying good bye to my baby boy Christopher Alexander, i think i can talk about him now and not bust into tears. he was our first born and both me and my husband were so thrilled to become parents. I was only four months into the pregnancy when i started not to feel right, i could sense something wrong when he was not active in my stomach I remember waiting for my husband to get home because i was having some stomach cramping that I thought was constipation. I wanted him to go to the store and get me something for it. But when I realized it was not cramping but strong contractions we rushed to the hospital. were i was already dilating (6) I cant remember much of that night, just being given an epidural and then my mind go's in and out of consciousness, I could barely make out the nurses telling me to push. They had taken my baby boy away as soon as he was born so i never got to hold him or see him. After waking up later on I was tolled that if we had been any later in arriving both the baby and i would not have made it. My baby boy had so many complications, from not being able to breath on his own.. to having a fragile heart. I couldn't hold him he was attached to so many machines that doing so would only put him in danger. He was born December 9th 2007, he was like a late birthday gift for me since i was born on the 2nd of December, my Mother on the 5th of December so it was a gift for her too. Pretty soon all went down hill from there, by the second day they brought in a Pastor to baptize my baby boy, and then the worse news of all we were tolled he was not responding to any of the medicine, and that we should enjoy whatever time we had left with him. but how could i when he was in there suffering. When they tolled us he was bleeding from within the head, that's when we knew we had to let him go and not allow any more suffering. He had fought for three days to stay alive only for us to pull the plug, and then i Finally got what i wanted which was to hold him in my arms but when i got to hold him he was already gone.. i still blame myself always thinking "what if"...

Even though its been almost two years I still find myself wondering why it happened, i did everything i was suppose to do, i went to all my DR appointments i would eat healthy, and never did anything that would cause me to endanger my baby. I still cant pass by the hospital where he was born without thinking that if i walk in there would he still be in there waiting for his mommy to come and take him home.. or maybe i was dreaming the whole thing.. but visiting his grave always brought me back to reality.. i am guilty of another thing.. I don't visit his grave as often as I use to.. dose that make me a bad mother? for not wanting to feel guilty for something i had no control over.

My Family tells me My baby girl Luz looks like her brother, that only adds to the hurt, but i love my baby girl so much, and i don't want anyone to think she is a replacement of her brother, she is her own spirit. And I am thank full everyday that she is with me knowing that My husband and I had a second chance to become a family.